Inexpert Opinions

Far too often these days, I find myself assaulted by the opinions of others regarding the ever-swelling tide of AI. People battling it out in YouTube comment sections over a would-you-won’t-you debate about cybernetic implants—ones that would let you control your kitchen appliances from the comfort of your virtual reality tanning bed. So, I figured I’d throw my opinion into the mix too—without character restrictions. The question: Would you implant some computer chip in your brain? Short answer: Yes. Long answer: Of course I would. Given that human beings have all but eliminated natural selection from the equation, the future of human evolution is inevitably digital. In other words: biological and mechanical integration. It seems like the only logical step forward. Yes, there are “concerns” in the eyes of the paranoid and conspiratorial—some of which, admittedly, are not entirely baseless—but for the most part, it's rather silly. One popular fear is hacking. “What if someone ha...

Since the dawn of human existence—when Homo habilis first created and used the original Stanley claw hammer—our primary social drive has been steered by one thing, and one thing only: Tribalism. Pure, prehistoric, perpetual tribalism. Let me explain. It started out relatively simple: The people around me from birth? That's my tribe. The people over there? I don't know them, they have pointy sticks—kill them. This very simple mentality has stayed with us for millennia, even as our social and economic structures evolved around it. Today, it’s: Which street, in which neighborhood, in which community, in which county, in which compass direction, in which country, on which continent do you belong to? But not only that— Which interpretation of which holy book, of which denomination, of which religion? Which team, in which sport, from which culture? Which artist, of which genre, do you like? Let’s not even mention the obvious... The list has grown exponentially since our plains-wand...

And another thing. These climate crusaders, with their roughly drawn placards, smearing soup—which, in the interest of conservation, could've fed someone—on the life's work of people who lived and died long before the miracles of Tupperware and battery-powered tongue scrubbers, do seem a bit counterintuitive. The five- or six-year-olds being dragged along in Mom and Dad's attempt to spice up their love life with some saucy art history are probably responsible for more pollution than Da Vinci was in his lifetime... at least indirectly. This brings up a thought. Humans, like any other animal, care for their own. Sure, when the closest are taken care of, then maybe the empathy can trickle downward—but for the most part, it’s us for us. Perhaps that is a step that has gone missing in our righteous march for paradise. Instead of shouting at people because the African swallow now has to dodge a glimmering skyline during its migration to Ecuador—or wherever they go these days—info...

  Is it just me, or does this colossal crusade against climate change come across as inherently selfish? Life on Earth has survived countless extinction events — and sure, it came out the other side a little different, maybe even a little wiser... maybe. Yet here we are, up in arms at the mere possibility of our coastal Airbnbs ending up a tad closer to home. Let’s be honest: we’ve already ravaged most coastal ecosystems — erecting our ports, piers, and portable hotdog stands with cheerful indifference. Our “eco-friendly” sun chairs — lovingly crafted from recycled rollerblades — are delicately placed atop the former nesting grounds of endangered turtles, just so we can feel relaxed before returning to the mines, or worse, the Checkers Deli line. Animals instinctively know how and when to migrate. We, as far as I can tell, are the only species to plant a flag and, even in the face of nature’s wrath, refuse to move. Come hell or high water — literally — we stay put. It seems,...