Inexpert Opinions

Along the treacherous twists and turns of useless advertisements and self-induced self-loathing that some of us refer to as the internet lies a treasure trove of "what if's" and "how about's" that tends to fog up the ol' biological processing unit with needless 1's and 0's that keep me awake at night. The most recent brain-worm to dig its way into my waking mind is: teleportation. For thousands of years, we have used only our Jesus wheels (feet), and perhaps the pedes of fellow mammals we have enticed into servitude, to get about at speeds too negligible to mention in any great detail. Taking days — even weeks, depending on the amount of teeth between point A and point B — to traverse distances we alive today would call a Sunday drive. Even today, the most common mode of moving ourselves about is becoming more and more tedious with every passing mile, because it just does not seem fast enough. Even with hyper-vehicles capable of breaking the 400 ...

In various previous posts I have made mention of the advancement of civilization and society pushing fairly important aspects of nature — like natural selection — aside, without really touching on what I mean. I figured I should explain myself to some extent, or at least get my chest unweighted. For the vast majority of human history — nearly 290,000 years — our greatest struggle has been survival. Where is the next meal coming from? Will we survive the angry clouds? What was that noise? And as morbid as it may seem to us now, if you were weak, stupid, or lazy, you died. This was natural selection at work, ensuring a functioning and productive population for efficient and continued survival. As civilization began forming, however, many of the trials and tribulations faced by our hearty ancestors were replaced with walls, gates, windows, and storefronts. No longer required to run out into the great, dangerous unknown in search of food or water, they were graciously provided by ingenuit...

So... There are some on the right side of the political spectrum who believe that the courtesies and conveniences that we affectionately label "Human Rights" are authored and prescribed by a magical super-dimensional entity that gave different people a different number of different rights (Thanks, George Carlin). And that this is more than enough reason for these rights to be binding. Then there are those on the left side of that spectrum who, by the same kind of magical thinking, believe that they are imbued with these rights for nothing more than the selfless act of being born. Now, if these folk were to be born in a non-Western, non-democratic country, we can be sure that they would have been whistling a different tune. The fact of the matter is... Rights— all of them—are manmade (and womanmade; again, we are not sexist unless absolutely necessary). Each and every one of them is made by us and enforced by us. These rights—at least the current ones—are the culmination of t...

I’m sure we’ve all come across the ever-present phenomenon that presents itself as the hopeful, selfless display of generosity and human kindness: The impeccably well-dressed and groomed lady figure, wearing the saddest expression she can squeeze through the Botox and three-inch layer of concealer, approaching the downtrodden man sitting lost and confused on the sidewalk — in suspiciously clean shoes — and presenting him with a variety of mass-produced products and emotions. Only to look back at the camera as if to say, "Yes, I am just THAT kind. Drop a like." This, of course, is the manufactured version of the social media trend where genuine kindness is candidly captured on video, generating mass amounts of support and praise. A few — a very lack-minded few — saw this as an opportunity to cash in on the likes and followers… by fabricating the entire show. You read that right. Sub-D-level actors who would be chased out of the Sharknado 12: It’s Getting Windy Out There stu...

Speaking of living among the stars. In a previous post, I went on like a schoolboy who just received the new PlayStation 12 with cupholders, about the prospect of exploring — and possibly even living among — the stars one day. Something I might have neglected to mention — purely for entertainment value — is just how jarring such an undertaking would be. I mean, surely it's obvious to most, but in the interest of "insert decently see-through object here" levels of transparency, I thought I might delve into the monumental struggles that would precede my fantasy balcony with a view of the Crab Nebula. First and foremost: distance. As the great Douglas Adams once said, "Space is big... Really big." The man was a visionary. The distances between even our closest neighbors defy reasonable comparison. Just between us and the Moon? Every single other planet in our solar system could fit — snugly, end to end — in that space. Yes, Jupiter and Saturn included. All of t...

Yet another nose-dive into the tepid waters of the internet has brought me the following hilarious statement: The Earth is perfectly designed for us. Us being humans. And I cannot help but think... really? 70% of this rock consists of water you cannot drink, air you cannot breathe, land you cannot farm. Step outside at the wrong time of year, and you'll freeze to death or die from heatstroke. Spend too much time outside, and you'll get skin cancer. Spend too much time inside, and you'll die from various anatomical malfunctions due to vitamin D deficiency. And that’s before we even include the platoon of teeth and venom ready to tear your pretty little toes off. The list goes on. Sure, if you live safely in a house with strong walls, a decent air conditioning and heating system, a fridge full of food, all your favorite shows at the press of a button, and a supermarket just down the road—it will all seem ever so perfect. That’s the thing though… we made it perfect (coug...