Inexpert Opinions

Yet another nose-dive into the tepid waters of the internet has brought me the following hilarious statement: The Earth is perfectly designed for us. Us being humans. And I cannot help but think... really? 70% of this rock consists of water you cannot drink, air you cannot breathe, land you cannot farm. Step outside at the wrong time of year, and you'll freeze to death or die from heatstroke. Spend too much time outside, and you'll get skin cancer. Spend too much time inside, and you'll die from various anatomical malfunctions due to vitamin D deficiency. And that’s before we even include the platoon of teeth and venom ready to tear your pretty little toes off. The list goes on. Sure, if you live safely in a house with strong walls, a decent air conditioning and heating system, a fridge full of food, all your favorite shows at the press of a button, and a supermarket just down the road—it will all seem ever so perfect. That’s the thing though… we made it perfect (coug...

Times Are A-Changing Back in the late '90s and early 2000s, urban nightlife was still in full swing—cultural leftovers from the phenomenon that was the '70s and '80s. Vibrant clubs and bars were filled to the brim with every kind of promising future Fortune 500 CEO, long-haired dreamcatcher enthusiast, and your everyday Jack and Jill just out for the weekly nightcap. A plethora of themes spanned from sensory-overloading cyberpunk neon jungles to the dull and dreary nothing-scapes of Ye Olde tavern-style family-run hovels. Enough synchronized lighting to reliably induce seizures within a three-mile radius, or the gentle, out-of-rhythm cooing of a jazz piano coated the background ambience. Slowly but surely, this cacophony of sound and light has been in decline. Establishments are closing down, and fewer people are favoring a night of bumping into urine-soaked strangers on their way to get yet another beverage that would most likely end up on the floor rather than in their st...

The world is an interesting place. Brain implants, liposuction, fidget spinners, dating apps, and sentient convection ovens mark only a few of the trinkets and do-dads we’ve furnished our lives with to make the grueling 9 to 5 (or 6 to 6 if you're in retail) just that much more bearable. I’ve come across some interesting opinions on these marvels in household appliances that I find rather hilarious—and it all comes down to government conspiracy theories. Yes… stick with me here. There are a myriad of conspiracies and beliefs regarding shady and less-than-reputable government doings, and one of the more well-known ones is aliens. Yes, aliens = AI-powered exercise bikes. That’s where this is going. As the internet goblins and orcs would have us believe, a vast plethora of modern-day amenities are not based on the brilliance and ingenuity of modern man (and woman—we do not discriminate unless absolutely necessary). Oh no, no, no. They are, in fact, based on alien technology. Kept secr...

For upwards of 200,000 years, before the invention of agriculture, human beings survived in what can only be described as the hippy’s dream . No walls. No fences. No windows. No burglar bars, alarm systems, cold food storage, preservatives, medication, or wheelchair-accessible ATM machines. No rows upon rows of neatly packaged, pre-killed protein slabs. Just the raw, brutal chaos of nature — things our ancestors had to fight tooth and nail for, just to make it through the night. Back then, there was no illusion of safety. Everyone was well aware that Shiba, the one-eyed tiger, would drop by every night to check whose foot might be sticking just a little too far out of the cave. Waking up to find your neighbor’s entrails strewn across your front lawn was a genuine cause for concern. And indeed — outrage. Bob has been mauled again. Something must be done! In modernity, however, we do not face the same trials and tribulations on a daily basis. We’ve steadily engineered ourselves o...

I demand to speak with a more sensible society. We've all been exposed—either unwillingly or through sheer morbid curiosity—to the wails and barks of the Western cultural phenomenon known only as: The Karen . Harbingers of self-entitlement born out of a vast ignorance of social etiquette and a grandiose misapprehension of reality that culminates in a ME -liocentric model of the solar system. The very idea that the service industry exists purely to facilitate your every burning desire, in my opinion, stems from the bastardization of the phrase: “The customer is always right…” Now, for those of you unaware, the full phrase is: “The customer is always right in matters of taste.” Which means, if a customer wants to buy an absolutely hideous lampshade they’ve mistaken for a work of art, then they are right. Each to their own, basically. What it does not mean is that when a customer demands a divine visitation, the produce-section box jockey is required to bend rule or reality to make...

I’ve been wondering for some time now about the legacy we humans will be leaving behind, should the Bible-thumpers or crystal-rubbers be correct and the world comes to a sudden catastrophic end a week from Friday. What will future civilizations—or even aliens—discover and learn of our tumultuous past and present? So I have decided to take it upon myself—no thanks needed—to explain a few things, should the treasure trove that is the internet be discovered in some capacity, and they happen to find this piece between the smut and brain rot. First of all… Excuse the smut. Secondly, please, do not mind the ever-upset white knights taking it upon themselves to find every little thing they could possibly be offended by—or at least make sound offensive—on behalf of others, purely out of the goodness of their own hearts. Bless them. They mean well, but they have the emotional intelligence of an overheating cellphone battery. (I’m sure you dug up a few of them so far, so no explanation needed...

Tell me something... If I come to your house, invited or not, and demand that you feed me, what would be my best course of action if you have the audacity to say no? Say please? Evidently—judging by the vast social intelligence of the modern generations—my best course of action would be to throw bricks through your windows, set fire to your lawn chairs, and paint various vulgar body parts on your walls. Apparently, this will get me that sandwich I asked (demanded) for. Explain that to me, please. Where did anyone get the idea that: If I want people to listen to me and care for the causes I support, I have to reenact the penultimate scene from The First Purge? Just absolute destruction and chaos is exactly what is needed to get people to care about due process. This, obviously, being in reference to the most recent outbreak of peaceful violence in Los Angeles concerning the mass deportations... but this mentality has reared its stupid face many a time in the past few years alone. Even ...