Incompetence Day

The world is an interesting place.

Brain implants, liposuction, fidget spinners, dating apps, and sentient convection ovens mark only a few of the trinkets and do-dads we’ve furnished our lives with to make the grueling 9 to 5 (or 6 to 6 if you're in retail) just that much more bearable.

I’ve come across some interesting opinions on these marvels in household appliances that I find rather hilarious—and it all comes down to government conspiracy theories. Yes… stick with me here.

There are a myriad of conspiracies and beliefs regarding shady and less-than-reputable government doings, and one of the more well-known ones is aliens. Yes, aliens = AI-powered exercise bikes. That’s where this is going.

As the internet goblins and orcs would have us believe, a vast plethora of modern-day amenities are not based on the brilliance and ingenuity of modern man (and woman—we do not discriminate unless absolutely necessary). Oh no, no, no. They are, in fact, based on alien technology. Kept secret by government agencies and reverse-engineered in order to mass-produce restaurant-quality toast on your very own kitchen table.

As we all know by now, these government agencies have been conspiring with—or picking clean—cosmic accident scenes from celestial visitors who seem to have an unusual preference for backwoods farm folk with zero access to even the most basic of high-definition filming capabilities. That’s probably why, isn’t it? All to get their hands on their shiny whatchamacallits, so that we might have a better view of Scarlett Johansson's left knee on our new 120" UHD curved OLED television with the optional built-in air purifier package.

No. I think not.

One thing we should have learned over the years is that humans, no matter how crafty or intelligent, are monumentally bad at keeping secrets. “The truth always comes out.” Platitudes like these exist for a reason.

The Nixon administration couldn’t keep a couple of matchbox-sized listening devices secret with any measurable success, and I’m expected to believe there exists some secret society deliberately puppeteering the planet (that they live on too!) into oblivion? It does, however, serve as a convenient scapegoat to entertain the general public while the government almost continuously stumbles over its own badly fastened shoelaces.

I may have the intellectual prowess of a quantum-state powered toothbrush and the naivety of a fruit fly, but the line has to be drawn somewhere. I am willing to accept that I have little to no information on what governments actually do behind closed doors (apart from that one time, right Bill?). However, I am of the firm belief that the only thing any government has ever successfully hidden from the masses is the true extent of their ineptitude.

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