Inexpert Opinions

  Don’t get me started on conspiracy theories again, I beg of you. I have already suffered enough semi-self-inflicted aneurysms that were we to combine them, the resulting cacophony could be used to jumpstart a Dyson sphere. Did I mention conspiracy theories before? Yes. On a separate occasion, I may have dabbled in a few, however today I want to discuss a particular application apparently used in some conspiracies: secret code. Unless of course you have something better to do? Cryptography is quite the interesting endeavour in that it challenges the ol’ noodle to think rather broadly about any given text. And I have recently tried my very own hand at hiding various little titbits within lyrics I write in my free time. Too bad I am not sharing them here, I have yet to copyright my work, you vultures. Casting the attention back to cryptography, one slight issue that has always plagued my astoundingly average intellect regarding conspiracies ripe with accusations of subliminal me...

  Colour me unimpressed. It frankly disenchants me that the human attention span has degraded to the point where, unless there are subtitles or footage of car crashes playing in the background, we seem to move on from otherwise incredible things in a staggeringly short amount of time. Two years ago, one of the single greatest -real life- miracles took place… For those of us that have aspirations lying in our (hopefully not too) distant future. Elon Musk and his band of merry astro-engineers accomplished something that not even the great Gene Roddenberry completely conceptualized in between his rampant alcohol benders. (Let me just say this, I do overexaggerate, I do not judge, but one would have to be on some kind of unorthodox medication in order to come up with horny green women… Just saying.) SpaceX caught, what is essentially a twenty-story building with a pair of sticks. A twenty-story building that, as near as makes no difference, fell back down from space to settle ever ...

 It has been a while since I've posted. There have been a few life-changing events, some welcome additions, some welcome losses. A few wars. However the old thinker has yet to give me peace and tranquility, especially since I am now romantically entangled with someone that believes the relative position of stars during their maternal escape is somehow a personality generator. She's a Taurus, and I have been led to believe that means something. That being said, my post today has nothing to do with cosmic personality traits or what I get up to under winter blankets. Instead, I would like to throw out an opinion on ideology, or rather why I think most ideologies seem to fail. Around the world right now, there exists a proverbial buffet of ideologies one can scoop up and add to one's already overstimulated sense of social reality. As if  surviving the modern media minefields weren't treacherous enough. They have literally got everything that might (or might not) suit your n...

For the past 32 years—definitely more for some—I have been told by various forms of self-proclaimed authorities that I am a victim, a sufferer of the debilitating and nightmarish illness that plagues so many of my like-aged brethren and sistren: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Pause for dramatic violin stabs. Let's clear a few things up first. I have recently come across a very interesting take on the matter of ADHD, which neatly fits into a previous post— Unnatural Selection —and it's this: ADHD, the tuning out, is the result of being in a situation where the instinctual fight-or-flight response cannot function. If you cannot fight, and you cannot run... what is there left to do? Shut down. A quick point as well: ADHD in no way means that there is no attention to be had. It simply means that whatever attention is there is not on whatever the aforementioned authority figures want it to be on. If the child struggles to focus on their math homework, or the adult struggl...

Along the treacherous twists and turns of useless advertisements and self-induced self-loathing that some of us refer to as the internet lies a treasure trove of "what if's" and "how about's" that tends to fog up the ol' biological processing unit with needless 1's and 0's that keep me awake at night. The most recent brain-worm to dig its way into my waking mind is: teleportation. For thousands of years, we have used only our Jesus wheels (feet), and perhaps the pedes of fellow mammals we have enticed into servitude, to get about at speeds too negligible to mention in any great detail. Taking days — even weeks, depending on the amount of teeth between point A and point B — to traverse distances we alive today would call a Sunday drive. Even today, the most common mode of moving ourselves about is becoming more and more tedious with every passing mile, because it just does not seem fast enough. Even with hyper-vehicles capable of breaking the 400 ...

In various previous posts I have made mention of the advancement of civilization and society pushing fairly important aspects of nature — like natural selection — aside, without really touching on what I mean. I figured I should explain myself to some extent, or at least get my chest unweighted. For the vast majority of human history — nearly 290,000 years — our greatest struggle has been survival. Where is the next meal coming from? Will we survive the angry clouds? What was that noise? And as morbid as it may seem to us now, if you were weak, stupid, or lazy, you died. This was natural selection at work, ensuring a functioning and productive population for efficient and continued survival. As civilization began forming, however, many of the trials and tribulations faced by our hearty ancestors were replaced with walls, gates, windows, and storefronts. No longer required to run out into the great, dangerous unknown in search of food or water, they were graciously provided by ingenuit...

So... There are some on the right side of the political spectrum who believe that the courtesies and conveniences that we affectionately label "Human Rights" are authored and prescribed by a magical super-dimensional entity that gave different people a different number of different rights (Thanks, George Carlin). And that this is more than enough reason for these rights to be binding. Then there are those on the left side of that spectrum who, by the same kind of magical thinking, believe that they are imbued with these rights for nothing more than the selfless act of being born. Now, if these folk were to be born in a non-Western, non-democratic country, we can be sure that they would have been whistling a different tune. The fact of the matter is... Rights— all of them—are manmade (and womanmade; again, we are not sexist unless absolutely necessary). Each and every one of them is made by us and enforced by us. These rights—at least the current ones—are the culmination of t...

I’m sure we’ve all come across the ever-present phenomenon that presents itself as the hopeful, selfless display of generosity and human kindness: The impeccably well-dressed and groomed lady figure, wearing the saddest expression she can squeeze through the Botox and three-inch layer of concealer, approaching the downtrodden man sitting lost and confused on the sidewalk — in suspiciously clean shoes — and presenting him with a variety of mass-produced products and emotions. Only to look back at the camera as if to say, "Yes, I am just THAT kind. Drop a like." This, of course, is the manufactured version of the social media trend where genuine kindness is candidly captured on video, generating mass amounts of support and praise. A few — a very lack-minded few — saw this as an opportunity to cash in on the likes and followers… by fabricating the entire show. You read that right. Sub-D-level actors who would be chased out of the Sharknado 12: It’s Getting Windy Out There stu...

Speaking of living among the stars. In a previous post, I went on like a schoolboy who just received the new PlayStation 12 with cupholders, about the prospect of exploring — and possibly even living among — the stars one day. Something I might have neglected to mention — purely for entertainment value — is just how jarring such an undertaking would be. I mean, surely it's obvious to most, but in the interest of "insert decently see-through object here" levels of transparency, I thought I might delve into the monumental struggles that would precede my fantasy balcony with a view of the Crab Nebula. First and foremost: distance. As the great Douglas Adams once said, "Space is big... Really big." The man was a visionary. The distances between even our closest neighbors defy reasonable comparison. Just between us and the Moon? Every single other planet in our solar system could fit — snugly, end to end — in that space. Yes, Jupiter and Saturn included. All of t...

Yet another nose-dive into the tepid waters of the internet has brought me the following hilarious statement: The Earth is perfectly designed for us. Us being humans. And I cannot help but think... really? 70% of this rock consists of water you cannot drink, air you cannot breathe, land you cannot farm. Step outside at the wrong time of year, and you'll freeze to death or die from heatstroke. Spend too much time outside, and you'll get skin cancer. Spend too much time inside, and you'll die from various anatomical malfunctions due to vitamin D deficiency. And that’s before we even include the platoon of teeth and venom ready to tear your pretty little toes off. The list goes on. Sure, if you live safely in a house with strong walls, a decent air conditioning and heating system, a fridge full of food, all your favorite shows at the press of a button, and a supermarket just down the road—it will all seem ever so perfect. That’s the thing though… we made it perfect (coug...

Times Are A-Changing Back in the late '90s and early 2000s, urban nightlife was still in full swing—cultural leftovers from the phenomenon that was the '70s and '80s. Vibrant clubs and bars were filled to the brim with every kind of promising future Fortune 500 CEO, long-haired dreamcatcher enthusiast, and your everyday Jack and Jill just out for the weekly nightcap. A plethora of themes spanned from sensory-overloading cyberpunk neon jungles to the dull and dreary nothing-scapes of Ye Olde tavern-style family-run hovels. Enough synchronized lighting to reliably induce seizures within a three-mile radius, or the gentle, out-of-rhythm cooing of a jazz piano coated the background ambience. Slowly but surely, this cacophony of sound and light has been in decline. Establishments are closing down, and fewer people are favoring a night of bumping into urine-soaked strangers on their way to get yet another beverage that would most likely end up on the floor rather than in their st...

The world is an interesting place. Brain implants, liposuction, fidget spinners, dating apps, and sentient convection ovens mark only a few of the trinkets and do-dads we’ve furnished our lives with to make the grueling 9 to 5 (or 6 to 6 if you're in retail) just that much more bearable. I’ve come across some interesting opinions on these marvels in household appliances that I find rather hilarious—and it all comes down to government conspiracy theories. Yes… stick with me here. There are a myriad of conspiracies and beliefs regarding shady and less-than-reputable government doings, and one of the more well-known ones is aliens. Yes, aliens = AI-powered exercise bikes. That’s where this is going. As the internet goblins and orcs would have us believe, a vast plethora of modern-day amenities are not based on the brilliance and ingenuity of modern man (and woman—we do not discriminate unless absolutely necessary). Oh no, no, no. They are, in fact, based on alien technology. Kept secr...

For upwards of 200,000 years, before the invention of agriculture, human beings survived in what can only be described as the hippy’s dream . No walls. No fences. No windows. No burglar bars, alarm systems, cold food storage, preservatives, medication, or wheelchair-accessible ATM machines. No rows upon rows of neatly packaged, pre-killed protein slabs. Just the raw, brutal chaos of nature — things our ancestors had to fight tooth and nail for, just to make it through the night. Back then, there was no illusion of safety. Everyone was well aware that Shiba, the one-eyed tiger, would drop by every night to check whose foot might be sticking just a little too far out of the cave. Waking up to find your neighbor’s entrails strewn across your front lawn was a genuine cause for concern. And indeed — outrage. Bob has been mauled again. Something must be done! In modernity, however, we do not face the same trials and tribulations on a daily basis. We’ve steadily engineered ourselves o...

I demand to speak with a more sensible society. We've all been exposed—either unwillingly or through sheer morbid curiosity—to the wails and barks of the Western cultural phenomenon known only as: The Karen . Harbingers of self-entitlement born out of a vast ignorance of social etiquette and a grandiose misapprehension of reality that culminates in a ME -liocentric model of the solar system. The very idea that the service industry exists purely to facilitate your every burning desire, in my opinion, stems from the bastardization of the phrase: “The customer is always right…” Now, for those of you unaware, the full phrase is: “The customer is always right in matters of taste.” Which means, if a customer wants to buy an absolutely hideous lampshade they’ve mistaken for a work of art, then they are right. Each to their own, basically. What it does not mean is that when a customer demands a divine visitation, the produce-section box jockey is required to bend rule or reality to make...

I’ve been wondering for some time now about the legacy we humans will be leaving behind, should the Bible-thumpers or crystal-rubbers be correct and the world comes to a sudden catastrophic end a week from Friday. What will future civilizations—or even aliens—discover and learn of our tumultuous past and present? So I have decided to take it upon myself—no thanks needed—to explain a few things, should the treasure trove that is the internet be discovered in some capacity, and they happen to find this piece between the smut and brain rot. First of all… Excuse the smut. Secondly, please, do not mind the ever-upset white knights taking it upon themselves to find every little thing they could possibly be offended by—or at least make sound offensive—on behalf of others, purely out of the goodness of their own hearts. Bless them. They mean well, but they have the emotional intelligence of an overheating cellphone battery. (I’m sure you dug up a few of them so far, so no explanation needed...

Tell me something... If I come to your house, invited or not, and demand that you feed me, what would be my best course of action if you have the audacity to say no? Say please? Evidently—judging by the vast social intelligence of the modern generations—my best course of action would be to throw bricks through your windows, set fire to your lawn chairs, and paint various vulgar body parts on your walls. Apparently, this will get me that sandwich I asked (demanded) for. Explain that to me, please. Where did anyone get the idea that: If I want people to listen to me and care for the causes I support, I have to reenact the penultimate scene from The First Purge? Just absolute destruction and chaos is exactly what is needed to get people to care about due process. This, obviously, being in reference to the most recent outbreak of peaceful violence in Los Angeles concerning the mass deportations... but this mentality has reared its stupid face many a time in the past few years alone. Even ...

Within the span of a few years, we've seen the marvels of AI progress from a mutant Will Smith shoving a hamburger into a spontaneously forming mouth hole on the side of his face, to videos and images that even the most seasoned cinematographer would struggle to identify as being generated out of thin RAM. Even to the point where AI can now generate complete songs from start to finish, with proper genre-appropriate instruments and chord progressions, lyrics, and vocals fit for the charts. It's absolutely insane. Many have shared their concerns, especially regarding the future of the arts. I mean, if a computer can make the equivalent of a chart-topping hit single, why do we still need the Biebers and the Carpenters? As somewhat of a musician myself, I do understand the concern, although I am not yet convinced that it's really such a bad thing. If your concern lies with the idea that AI-generated music will all start to sound the same after a while, I would have to question ...

Disclosure : What follows has a fairly high chance of causing brain hemorrhaging in any individual with an IQ greater than their shoe size. Flat Earth… One of the more common, hilarious attempts to argue against established reality involves the rotational velocity of the Earth—which, for those who didn’t know, is roughly 1,000 mph at the equator. This apparently seems impossible to the kind of person who, back in school, said: "Where am I ever going to use trigonometry anyway?" The claim is usually something like: "The water would fly off into space! Spin a tennis ball at 1,000 mph and see if any water sticks!" Stop laughing. Be respectful. Let’s examine this claim a little deeper. ⚠️ WARNING: NUMBERS INCOMING. Yes, if you were to spin a tennis ball at 1,000 mph—meaning roughly 127,430 revolutions per minute (RPM) —the water would most definitely fly off. Hell, at that speed, the ball might lose a few molecular bonds , too. For the Earth to match that RPM, ...

In a previous post, I briefly mentioned my visits to the YouTube comment sections. This, however, was a gross under -exaggeration— I graze there like a sheep on the Windows XP background image. Which, I know, is about as intellectually healthy as a dolphin dive into freshly set concrete. But it does offer some interesting perspectives on what people consider to be "proof." The religious folk would have you believe that reading the Bible is ample proof of its own truth and the validity of the claims contained within it— “It’s true because it says it is” being the simplified version. Sure, some offer a slightly deeper perspective, noting these are the words of eyewitnesses—justifying that by asking, “Well, why would they lie?” Well, let’s consider aliens for a moment. ( Bear with me.) There have been thousands upon thousands of UFO sightings over the years, many accompanied by video footage taken on what appears to be a Casio calculator watch. Add to that the thousands...

Where did we come from? Why are we here? Questions made famous by the gentle, soothing speak-and-spell voice of the late Stephen Hawking. Yet these questions have been nipping at humanity’s ankles ever since the first of our ancestors looked up into the night sky and thought: “Damn.” But how do we even begin to answer these questions when we still can’t fully grasp what “here” means? (Look up hard solipsism —it’s hilarious.) Many throughout history have tried to tackle these cosmic riddles with about as much understanding of existence as could fit on the back of a cigarette packet. The first attempt? Proto-religious dribble about some bipolar monkey-bear spirits roaming the forests, demanding constant offerings of wheat bales and virgins to ensure an easy harvest. Of course, this was all before we understood what a season was. This mentality—if I can call it that—eventually evolved into a more familiar, deity-centered structure of platitudes and moral prescriptions that we’ve com...